Every You, Every Me

This story begins a while ago, with a very bad fight with Joao. Not really a fight, more like the inability to express insecurities, resulting in blaming him for everything he did and didn’t do. Ended well, in a very mature way. It goes like this: In the firezone, I get agressive. Even though Alenka tried to cool me down, my bitch crazy shined bright like a diamond. This is who I am, I go crazy, I make drama and I’m a master in imagining bad scenarios.  He chose to live with it though, luckily 2590 km away from me. And during this fight he proved he meant it, he can obviously handle it. In the past, I controlled myself, but this time it was not possible, neither did I want to control myself. This was my first long-distance fight, and my very first “I struggle, but I will fight for us” fear. At one point, I realized he will never understand my point if I’m not being completely profound. But in order to express all I feel, I have to recognize what I really feel and identify what really hurt me in this situation. I think it was the fear of losing this sincere pillars that we built and the fact that I chose to trust this man, that pushed me to be wholehearted in this fight. Instead of building a wall around my ego and walk away from things that really hurt me, I chose to communicate the problem clearly.

Since we are so far away from eachother, and we were fighthing through texts (I made a promise to myself I will not to that again, but I lied), I had to be so very myself it hurts and express exactly what and how I felt in order for him to understand it. You know how girls fight – we say one thing, we mean the other one, we want you to understand a third one and apologize for the fourth. And then we have a new fight because you mentioned a fifth one and didn’t notice the sixth. In this case, I chose a different approach – clear and on point.

It was the first time that I really had to ask myself “what do I even feel?”. I needed to dig deep to fully understand myself, so that I could explain it well enough to him. After that point of complete sincerety, it was easy. Easy and clear for both of us, just because we both knew how I felt about what happened. Suddenly, solutions were obvious.

I got an eureka moment – feeling misunderstood doesn’t come from our inability to express what and how we feel, but rather from our weakness to identify it. Once we can put into words what really bothers us and communicate our emotions, not only we feel free, but we also take one big step closer to being understood. It is a nice feeling, it feels warm. It gives our interactions a new dimension, it’s called our true self brought to light.

Putting what we feel into words, that’s a journey though. It’s easy to say how we feel (good, bad), but identifying and distinguishing between emotions is hard. It doesn’t really come natural to us because of the protective function of emotions, however just because we don’t do it all the time, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try from time to time. Once I started asking myself “what do I feel, why do I feel it?” several times a day, I  discovered a whole new world, a whole new range of emotions and reactions. I found it particularly difficult to distinguish between emotions that feel almost the same, but have different origins. For example, I want you to do a quick exercise. What do you feel when you feel bad? Give it a bit of thought. Now – what do you feel when you feel god? I talked to a few people about it and for us it’s a lot easier to name the negative emotions and sensations. Good simply feels good. Bad feels sad, powerless, empty, angry, jeaolous, chestpain, down etc.

Right now, every time I feel good, I try to really feel it – how, where, what, why.  I discovered a whole new range of emotions and it’s amazing. Not only because I feel closer to myself, but because it became easier to communicate with people. This sincere and meaningful interactions are very important whether you live together or do it long-distance. It builds bridges between souls.

To conclude, there is so much left undiscovered in us. Every aspect we allow ourselves to disclose, brings us closer to our inner self. Expressing all this diversity and craziness in us, it gives us freedom. When all aspects of you meet all aspects of me, magic.

Love, E.


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